I’m going to hang out with the guy I had a thing with, well really he was just using me, in a group of people today and we will see how this goes. I have changed my perspective on this, I let a guy take advantage of me and now I have learned, learned self respect or the beginning of it and what it means to find happiness within yourself. I don’t harbor any bad feelings, we can just be friends and I have learned an important lesson. I have learned I have to speak up for myself and that everyone’s journey is unique so why the hell would I ever want to change myself for just simply being me? I mean isn’t that what makes life interesting? The variety of people and their personalities? I have experienced many things that my peers haven’t so why do I have to seem alien to them? I’m not, because they are just as different as I am. We shouldn’t try to change ourselves to please someone else, only change if you need it, if you seek growth and evolution. We aren’t different because we try to be, we’re different because nobody has the same exact life and that’s where your thoughts and opinions matters just as much as everyone else’s. There ain’t a thing to be afraid of, embrace your individuality. You and I are beautiful.
This time I feel like i am more mature, I see my innocence float on by and I can finally began to think with a clear mind, could you say this is moving on?
The church I left is called laestadian lutherism, and recently a mother in the church murdered her baby of six days with suffocation, i will link some articles that are finally coming out about the church and all I can say is that I am in a rage over the fact that the church is in denial that they had any part in this mother’s actions. While it is her fault she murdered, her psychology was screwed by the church, excuse me I won’t even call it church anymore because it is a cult.
A former cult members speaks out (more power to them!):
A excellent explanation of this whole situation:
“I’ll tell you this, if she did the crime - if it was a pillow, the church was stitching the threads one thread at a time through her whole life,” he said.
Update: I had this thing with a guy and he was my first kiss, and I liked him. He was emotionally unavailable and me being blinded by infatuation didn’t care. But then his friend who I hung out with the other day kissed me and even though I don’t like him, he made me realize I deserve better. The guy I liked didn’t treat me like his friend who kissed me. The guy that kissed me told me I was beautiful and amazing and called me a cutie, the other guy said once I was pretty.
We accept the love we think we deserve, honey, you need to walk away. From both because one doesn’t like you the way he should and the other you don’t like the way he should be liked.
I guess I just want a break, things have just been going by so fast and so many sexual experiences have occurred and I feel a little fuzzy because of it but I’m okay. I’m happy I got to at least know what it was like to kiss somebody I liked and realize that if he ain’t going to treat you the way he should, you need to let him go. And I have and I will, strength I think is what is required.
I wish humans were less selfish and had more decency.
P.s. listening to Beyonce encourages me :)
Another thing I have learned is to listen to what your heart is saying. So many people have been telling me who I should date and go after and yet when I ignore them, and do what I want to do and say what I need to say I feel so much better.
There has been some much anxiety in my life and its all happened over this last month and I think I need a break but I just need to graduate high school.
When I consulted my older friends they said it was just high school drama and its not me who, but the people around me who need to grow up. I wish I had the chance to grow up “normally”. But hey here I am and this is what I got, this is kind of me growing up in a way isn’t it?
I have learned so much about self worth and believing in yourself.
Life is miserable without confidence.
We all need to help each other, don’t give up, I believe it gets better.
This boy, why? Why does a boy have to shake everything I have ever believed in?
This isn’t worth it and I have come so far so why can’t I say no? Why can’t I assert myself?
I’m scared my heart is going to be broken. And I don’t know if I can handle it, my body is heavy and tears are doing out of my heart. I’m so sad, he’s just using me.
He doesn’t like me that way but I do, I don’t want to, why?
The reason why I have been feeling weird is because I have been totally bolted from my comfort zone. I started seeing this boy named mason who I mentioned in my other posts (he was my first kiss) and it turns out he’s just a player. That’s okay, I really did start to like him though, and I felt sad because he didn’t seem to like me in the way I did.
But I have feeling weird because he has been the first boy I have kissed and touched since I was a child, and since I was sexually abused, you can imagine how crazy I felt after letting him touch me and being sexual. I pushed myself really hard not to freak out and when I was with him I felt happy and okay but afterwards I would have these huge, in slow motion anxiety attacks because I felt like a whore and I was losing my voice.
I told him I was sexually abused and he was understanding but you can never know what it’s like until you have actually experienced it.
Logically I knew I wasn’t being slutty, I slipped a little back into my victim ways of thinking. I was scared to say no, which I have worked through but have decided since I should take a break from boys for the time being. I’m feeling better already.
I just want to be really good friends with him now.
This has been my first sexual exploration and I thought it was so weird for me personally to have casual sex. I didn’t have sex with this guy but even just getting close by him was frightening.
I think for people who can have casual sex that’s great but for me right now I don’t understand how people can get out of their heads and not think anything of it.
If there’s anyone whose going through something like this: it’s okay to say no.
Don’t listen to what anyone has to say, what do you want?
One of my regrets is that I was only worrying about what others wanted from me and it should not be that way: what do you want? What makes you truly happy?
As of lately I have been hanging out with a lot of new people, I have met some cool people who add variety in my life but my self esteem has been in the gutter which does not make a good impression once upon meeting new people. My social anxiety has been through the roof and I have been logically thinking okay it’s alright, these are just people, just like you, but I couldn’t keep my mind in that place until today, after seeing all those new people I have been talking to at party’s I saw them at school and I came to the realization that these people are just people, and no one is better than each other. You should put yourself out there a hundred percent and if people see you and like you you then yeah! If they don’t then they can walk away, it will only save you the time and energy.
As much as we like to think, we are all equal. I know it’s easy to be persuaded by society’s standards on what “cool” people are like and if your allowed to talk to them, it’s wrong. Just because you have more friends than another person doesn’t mean you can disregard another human being.
I used to be kind of a loser, or at least I thought I was, but talking to the popular kids has made me realize its all just bullshit, were all humans and its better to just listen to your heart instead of feeling like a weirdo or crazy or anxiety because of what your thinking about others thinking of you.
We are all human beings here, with happy and sad times, it’s okay to freak out, I just hope every time I do, I learn something as important as this.
“It takes someone with bravery and strength to get where you are, there are a lot of people who wish they were you or wish they could speak out like you do but don’t. Look how far you’ve come.”
-Jasmine, she keeps me sane.
I got really upset with my sister Anita, after I complained about my insomnia and she asked is it your conscience? And then my brainwashed state of fear of hell came back gripping my rationality for a second until I went to see my friend/sister Jasmine, eh calmed me down and reminded me of what this life is all about, freedom and truth.
I’m starting to feel physically ill from the anxiety and pain I get from my house. It’s no fun leaving a cult and having to face the after effects while still living with your parents, it’s a silent psychological trauma.
Seriously anyone reading this: you are worthy.
But I’m a fighter and in my fight I will survive any psychological problems because I know deep down in my mind I can survive but my heart drops with sadness, like a thin black scarf is pulling my heart down and it physically hurts sometimes. And I just want it to be lifted off, I want to scream and laugh and run with life because I promised myself to follow my heart but its being chained and limited so how can I slice these iron grips?